Morning/Evening! (I have no idea when this post will be ready to publish yet?!)

I’m back being treated as royalty in the Marsden since yesterday! (My first and probably last attempt at a play on words there) I have to stay in hospital for phase 3 chemo as I am having high dose methotrexate, so the doctors need to keep an eye on me. So here I am, sitting in this room with this yellow liquid seeping into my arm for 24 hours.. well to be exact I have 14 hours and 4 minutes left i.e. I’ll be woken some time at 3am to stop it. I’ll try not to swear at the nurse – which reminds me of the time that I had my very first bone marrow biopsy – high on gas and air, what did I do? Swear at the nurse (in punjabi) and ask her why she was using my dad’s drill in my back. In hindsight, my sister Ghazala should have filmed the whole ordeal purely for entertainment.

Additionally, I have to have continuous fluids through an IV drip for the next few days which started yesterday. Unfortunately it’s resulted in me having fat sausage fingers today due to all the fluid retention, reminds me of the part in the film Fantastic Four (None of you will probably get this) where ‘The Thing’ tries to use a payphone box but because of his abnormally large hands he presses all the buttons at the same time.. I bet this time tomorrow that’ll be me.

I realised after writing my first two posts that I hadn’t even introduced myself properly. As you know I am a 25 year old student – with two older sisters, an older brother, a wonderful father, and a beautiful mother who is no longer with us. And this wonderful supportive family is made more amazing by loads of little monkeys; 3 nieces 2 nephews and a baby sister. If I began talking about their antics I would be here all day so I’ll save that for another post with lots more photos.. but I can say hand on heart that whilst being at home they have really brightened up my days. Although the house feels like a zoo at times I don’t think I would have it any other way! I should be so grateful to God for the family and friends He gave me, everything was planned so perfectly, that even though I have to go through this ordeal I have the best support possible; no matter how grateful I am I don’t think it will be enough.

Taking myself back to a few weeks after I was diagnosed I think I already had decided to chop my locks off. My hair had started to fall within the first couple of weeks so I asked my sister to bring some scissors and cut my hair to shoulder length whilst I was in the hospital. But every morning I woke, every time I brushed my hair, the sight around me of my hair that I’d treasured and looked after for so long was just lying there lifeless. A few days after coming home, my brother offered to shave my hair off ‘on the condition that I wouldn’t get overly upset about it’ and I was proud to say I didn’t. Looking back to how much I loved my hair I really wasn’t that bothered about the undeniable fact that I would lose it and hey, now I’m no longer curious as to what my scalp looks like 😀

Probably should start to call myself baldilocks now.

BUT on a happier note I received a beautiful present from my friends last week – a custom made wig from a place that I had been looking at for quite a long time! It was an absolutely beautiful surprise and so thoughtful that I can now start putting aside my hats and scarves and go back to dressing myself back up again.

Now that I sit here I can’t avoid reality like I could most times at home, I can’t believe how quickly time has flown, alhamdulilah. Almost 3 months in and I’m back in the boxing ring for the third cycle of chemo, I never imagined I would be sitting here today pouring out my thoughts onto a page, neither that the highs and lows of the last three months have exposed me to emotions I never knew I even had. However much I want to run away to my home now I know that there’s no better place I could be right now, the nursing staff are amazing, and I will never forget them (especially not the ones that caused me pain.. I joke) Luckily after a few weeks of being poked and prodded with needles for blood tests and all sorts, I had a PICC line inserted (BEST THING EVER!) I don’t even have to open my eyes anymore at the crack of dawn when they come to take blood to check how I’m doing. Essentially, its a line inserted  from my upper arm all the way into the entrance of my heart, on the outside are two tubes that can now be used to give me a cocktail of drugs and also take blood from. I’ve also luckily ended up with a wonderful consultant – Dr Taussig and his team, including my lovely CNS Mucha that oversee all my treatment.

So after this dose of chemo I’ll be in for a few days, and then back home for a week to 10 days (Yay!) and then back in for one more repeat of this chemo. So all in all I’m praying praying praying these next 4 weeks as my consultant said should be easier than the ones I’ve had before.

Can I finally see a light at the end of the tunnel? Maybe..

My brother reintroduced me to an album we both loved some years ago, I’m not a huge fan of music, but I prefer those songs that have some actual meaning to them. So instead of a quote today I give you a song we listened to alot. I love it; but then I’m just a big ball of cheese.

Love x