I started this post almost 2 weeks ago, and if you ask me why I never completed it you would get a somewhat puzzled face, kinda like that emoticon you tend to use when someone asks you something you think is completely ridiculous. But its not ridiculous at all. I’ve spent most of my days at home wallowing away; allowing myself to be sucked into the quicksand that are my thoughts. Sometimes I think when I was in Phase 2 and had to come in for chemo every day (I HAAAAATED IT) it was actually a good thing?? Getting out of the house, albeit not something to look forward to, it was something.
Now I’m back in to the Marsden for the second time during Phase 3 I have decided to complete this!!
So last time I had to be an inpatient for roughly four days – – if you ask me what was more agonising between that and the actual treatment I’d have to think twice. Finally the methotrexate levels fell, and I was released from the prison (I joke) in the afternoon. Since then, I’ve had to deal with the painful side effects of mucositis – sores and ulcers from my mouth to my stomach; I agree, not very appetising. Well atleast it kept me shut up for a little while and back onto a baby’s soft diet; smash all the way!
I also got some excellent news – my very important MRD results came back that I had been waiting for. I’ve said it before, I’ve always been more of a worrier, a pessimist, a thinker. The busier I was – and this is why university was a Godsend for me, the less I had time to think (Although most of my days were spent either out shopping, watching films, or sitting in the living room with all of my housemates playing games/eating/laughing or a combination of all three). At times just thinking about these results had clouded my judgement; I was scared about the future. I haven’t even got rid of the leukaemia yet and I was worried about what I would do when it came back! What an absolute numpty. But the results were NEGATIVE. Alhamdulilah a thousand times. Hearing those words especially when I didn’t expect to hear back yet was the most wonderful feeling. I physically felt like a load had been lifted off of me, and the walk back to the car felt that much lighter. Guess this calls for an MRD party?? ? No? Just me then.
Whilst out of hospital, although I felt down, my appetite having taken a walk, and psychologically unable to control my feelings or emotions there were a few evenings I completely forgot everything; maybe for a minute, or two, maybe longer. Once when my friends came to visit I felt like I was back in Southampton, in our living room, coming out with the strangest, funniest things, wondering if someone were to listen to our conversations what would they really think?? For the first time, in quite some time, I felt like myself. The energy that I felt was slowly being torn from me, returned, even if just for a short while. I heard myself laugh (yes that annoying, loud, only dogs can hear kinda laugh). But I felt like part of me was back, I wasn’t this miserable emotionally unstable person who just wanted to dig a hole and jump into it. Evenings spent watching films with my dad, my sister – laughing for the most part and I realised, it’s true. Laughter is the best medicine.
I’ve been waiting for The Hobbit (The final one!) to come out on DVD (4 days and counting!) so its only fitting that my parting quote is from my favourite characters.
Gandalf: Well, all good stories deserve embellishment. You’ll have a tale or two to tell of your own when you come back.
Bilbo Baggins: …Can you promise that I will come back?
Gandalf: No. And if you do… you will not be the same.
In this scene Bilbo is off to begin his ‘unexpected journey’ and is scared to leave all his comforts behind, but he goes ahead, knowing full well that he might not return. The key is to never forget that the journey would not be a worthwhile one if there weren’t any bumps in the road; something to learn, about yourself, about others, about this world. Out of every negative situation there will be a positive, no matter how big or small it is it will help you overcome the darkness that you might feel engulfed by. It doesn’t matter whether we choose the situation or not, we were destined for it and we should ultimately be thankful that we have encountered these times – it makes you appreciate the good things a hell of a lot more and you have the invaluable chance to see the world through different eyes. These times will shape you, change you, and turn you into the best version there is of you.
Can I call this an entire ordeal an adventure like I’ve seen in the movies? I guess I’ll have to wait and see what version of me comes out of the other side.