Just a handful of days ago I had my last chemo session of my last cycle of my last phase (for now!) I’d been looking forward to this day for so long that when it came and went, I was somewhat… downhearted? I’m not sure what I expected to be honest – fanfare? A feeling I was suddenly 100% myself again? A part of me is missing almost and I feel a little lost. Now I’m not saying I miss the daily trips to the Marsden or the chemo or anything else! But I just do miss the routine, the feeling that I’m actively doing something to help myself.
Treatment goes on, but now I’m in my ‘maintenance phase’ so it’s chemo and procedures every three months now, alhamdulillah. Better than the constant daily battle it felt like it has been for the last 9 months!
I haven’t written in a while, every week I would be reminded by my sister, and I would write it in my diary that by the end of the week I need to have a new post up! But I just never got round to it.. I had an awful month with the treatment in between – no sleep, constant pain which nothing LITERALLY nothing could relieve. Pain + insomnia = worst possible combination. I was basically a zombie – a crying, not with it, delerious zombie on steroids, just because the chemo on its own wasn’t fun enough obviously. The number of blood transfusions I had to have was frustrating, but you won’t hear me complaining, the energy boost literally had me bouncing off the walls!!! But again, alhamdulilah, I got through it, no matter how many tears I shed and how close I was to giving up I didn’t. And I still haven’t.
On a more positive note I’ve had a number of occasions over the last couple of months that I had to look forward to! Most importantly, was graduation. Quite possibly the best day I’ve had through this entire ordeal, and I don’t think I’ve ever felt that proud. I was in two minds about whether I would be able to go/even manage the journey, so much so that I could hardly sleep; but at 7am there I was getting myself ready and off with my personal chauffeur/photographer (the brother). The day was just beautiful, absolutely perfect, and every single one of my friends deserved all of it after such a long and testing 6 years. I was so excited to see friends that I had not seen in ages and be there on possibly the most special day of their lives. (You better all be there when its my turn!!)
Needless to say, I was smiling the whole journey back even though I was straight back to the Marsden for treatment.
We also had weddings to attend, and going through the whole process of getting ready and dressed up made me almost feel like my old self! Although I did spend most of the night asking my sisters if I still looked okay/like a human being, to the point where I’m certain I was going to wake up the next morning with a black eye from one of them. Still, it was a wonderful night even if it did end with me dragging myself up the stairs to bed, shoes, hair and eyelashes in hand.
I don’t know what I can say about the last 9 months, I don’t know whether this has made me a better or more importantly a stronger person, and I don’t know whether this journey is truly over. But I thank Allah every day, that I am still here, that I have the most wonderful family and friends, that He gave me the most beautiful gift – my father. I can never thank Allah enough or everyone that has been there for me, duas truly have helped me get through and still be here getting healthier and stronger every single day.
So I have another 9 months now, to do the things I probably won’t get a chance to do once I’m back in my final year and busy with everything life will bring me. No excuse for me not posting, and no excuse for not completing that long bucket list I’ve made!!
Lastly, just to end off this essay of me blabbering on to myself, to those people who are going through their own tests and trials – never think that you are alone. Be grateful for everything you are given. Always keep faith. And take every single day as it comes. Recipe for success yeeees indeedy.
And to those of you who receive my delerious ‘zopi texts’ in the middle of the night, I hope you enjoy them. You won’t have them for too much longer!!!
I’m almost certain I’ve added this quote somewhere in my posts before, but it’s my absolute favourite so here it is again!
“There’s something amazing about this life. The very same worldly attribute that causes us pain is also what gives us relief: Nothing here lasts. What does that mean? It means that the breathtakingly beautiful rose in my vase will wither tomorrow. It means that my youth will neglect me. But it also means that the sadness I feel today will change tomorrow. My pain will die. My laughter won’t last forever but neither will my tears. We say this life isn’t perfect. And it isn’t. It isn’t perfectly good. But, it also isn’t perfectly bad, either.”
― Yasmin Mogahed
Promise to write again… I won’t say soon though.