Where is the time going?! It’s June already, and I still feel like it was yesterday I was moving into halls in my very first year of uni. I still remember the walks to and from uni, the nervousness of going on placement for the first time, and making new friends; friends I had no idea would eventually become like family.
Again, it has been far too long since I last wrote. No chemo, nothing, nada in this last month or so. Instead, endless delays and every single week there’s a new excuse, as if my body is putting up barriers preventing anymore of this evil (albeit lifesaving) drug from entering my body again. The first week I was unwell, the second my platelets were too low. Then last week my blood haemoglobin levels were too low, so I ended up with two units of blood. And Monday off I trotted again to the Marsden with my dad in tow, and I had an infection so here we are. Another week gone by, another week wasted. I was hoping with every breath in me that I would be done with this treatment by atleast mid June, but I’m still stuck counting down the weeks till this is over; I know I know I should be grateful I’m even getting this treatment. The mere thought of me being in a different country with no NHS, no trials, makes me shudder. Alhamdulillah, I’m being treated at the best hospital by one of the best consultants in the specialty, even if the treatment hadn’t worked, alhamdulillah for being given the chance to try and fight back.
However, the break hasn’t been all bad, my energy seems to have gone back up, I’m able to do more things at home, and go out a little more than I did before. There’s only so much TV one can take; yep that is ME saying this. I started watching the prison break series again (MY FAVOURITE SERIES EVERRRR!!) and I got my dad into it too. He got so engrossed that we ended up having a prison break marathon one weekend, we both didn’t want to move and he was literally sitting on the edge of the seat; wish I’d taken a photo now!!!
The final year exams are over, (I know I wanted to go back to uni, but exams? No thanks) so I had the chance to reunite with some of my wonderful friends, I laughed so much that my jaw ached (nothing a couple of codeine couldn’t fix) and without a doubt I went to sleep smiling that night. Tomorrow I meet with another couple of friends, and I’m already looking forward to it. Spending most of my day around children who can’t understand me nor can I them, has been entertaining, yet I’m literally turning into a punchbag for my little sister Hafsah. She’s an angry old man stuck in an almost 2 year old’s body.
Although I can usually only divide up the day by what times I take my magic pills (the legal drugs), the little understanding I have from my niece bearing in mind she’s only 2, brings me my medicine box, and continuously throughout the day asks me “do you want dayi (medicine)”. She’s reminded me on many occasions to take them when I’ve almost forgotten. Kids can be so sensitive sometimes, and I love seeing that side to them! But when the screaming and arguing starts count me out (won’t lie I do wind them up sometimes, got to give myself a li’l entertainment) but being able to be home, and watch them all grow has been invaluable. I always worried about how when I would graduate, start working insh’Allah I wouldn’t have much time; but now I have that opportunity, to spend time with my family, so yes, every cloud does have a silver lining. Going back to how sensitive kids can really be, on one occasion I was leaning on my knees only to stretch my back – and my little sister came and started rubbing my back. She’d obviously seen how my dad would rub my back to comfort me whilst I was being sick, and remembered! Even though I wasn’t actually feeling unwell and I’m glad I wasn’t, it was still so heartwarming.
I was having a look back through my diary, and the detailed notes and questions I’d written each day in my first few months after diagnosis made me realise how I was in control of everything that was happening. I mean you’d expect anyone to, but the daily notes on my weight, how much I was losing, my blood sugars on a 4 hourly basis, what I’d eaten, how many glasses of water I’d drank; now I’m lucky if I remember what I ate this morning let alone write it down!! My OCD of being organised and orderly is still there, but I’ve let go of the nitpicky things. I know I don’t eat well, I know I’m losing weight, so I just remember to keep on top of it, at this moment in time I only need enough strength to get through the last bout of treatment; that’ll be enough!
Today I told my brother how bored I was, his answer – write a novel. Although I know he was only joking, maybe I should make myself write more here, and in the end compile all my posts together in a little book. Don’t worry it’ll be free, and even if you don’t want to read it I’ll send you a copy!
Seen as I’m currently waiting for my dad so we can get back to watching an episode of prison break I’ll finish with a quote from one of the characters. You can guess who it is, and if you do, you can give yourself a pat on the back!!
Until next time,
“Be the change you want to see in the world.”