I don’t know where the time is going, or what I can say I’ve done/achieved in the last few months; instead I feel like I’ve been in some kind of slumber, half asleep ninety percent of the time. The last three weeks there’s been a delay in my chemo, first due to low blood counts and then secondly due to a viral infection which lead to a weeks stay in hospital. This last stretch of chemo seems to be taking the longest and at times I wish I could just be put to sleep and wake up when its all over. Nausea and vomiting and general tiredness has taken its toll on me and my inability to at times make it to the top of the stairs without becoming breathless has left me on the edge of tears one too many times. No longer able to eat my favorite foods, mostly because I’ve lost my appetite (I would welcome any one to find it for me – for a cash prize of course) is something I thought would become easier with time, but instead it’s harder; much harder. The decision between eating just to end up vomiting against not eating and feeling even more nauseous has been what my life has consisted of the last few weeks – FUN FUN FUN!
In total I have 6 treatment weeks left, seems like nothing at all considering everything that I’ve already had, but the delays and general hiccups are making it difficult to see an end in sight. But alhamdulilah, looking back at what the last 5 months?! It seems crazy that so much time has gone by, and I am still here. Still going. Alhamdulilah.
For the longest time I have always had relatives, friends, telling me how I reminded them of my mum. That I looked so alike to her – but I never saw it, only in an odd photo by chance I would catch a glimpse of her. But just two days ago, the second time that my hair has all fallen out, I looked in the mirror and I saw my mum staring back at me. There I was, wearing pretty much the exact same nightie I remembered her wearing, hairless, with an aged and tired face. What saddened me more is that my family had to and have to see me this way – we can never truly understand the impact illness has to those closest to us. Helplessness is an understatement, I know the feeling, and now that I think about it I don’t know what is worse – seeing someone I love go through this or going through it myself.
Loss is part of this life, in one way or another we will lose things, possessions, people, feelings, but what we gain out of it is always worth it in the end. As strong as my conviction was from the first day that I would steamroller my way through this with courage and strength, I lost myself on the way to things that never should have been a distraction. I’d gotten so caught up in this world, in people and my own feelings that praying for strength and concentrating on my health didn’t seem to matter anymore. I still can’t say I’ve learnt to let go and look at what is important; I’ve become too much of a glass half empty kinda gal that needs a constant source of love and care to feel secure. But could I have any more love than I have right now? Do I even have the right to ask for more? Not at all. I’ve been given more than my fair share, and most of you who read this probably appreciate life much more than I do, but never, ever, forget to be grateful.
Ever read a book you felt was literally about you?? I was gifted a beautiful book by an even more beautiful friend, and after reading just the first chapter I felt like it was written for me. It talks about losing yourself to this world, by becoming so distracted by people, by materialistic posessions that we forget what holds true value. In a way, I feel like this had happened to me, not just once for a moment, but it had continuously been getting worse and worse over a number of years to the point where I didn’t know how to find my way again. The months before I was diagnosed I felt this niggling thought growing in the back of my mind, feeling more restless, more anxious, questioning my life and my decisions. That coupled with the tiredness in the final few weeks, led to part of me not even being surprised when the bombshell was finally dropped. It’s as if my mind knew there was something wrong, that I’d spent far too much time concentrating on meaningless thoughts and it was time for me to come back down to earth again.
As the next few weeks come by, and I stop myself wondering what I would be doing and where I would be had none of this happened I’m praying for all my friends, most of whom will be sitting the most important exams of their life. This time is theirs and I have no doubt they will all do well and make me proud! My aim right now – be done with this stint of treatment and able to see them graduate!! I feel somewhat sad that even though we all started our journey together to become doctors I couldn’t complete it with them. But I pray, whenever the time is right and God wills it I will also have the chance to complete what I started. For now I’ll stick with getting through the next few months!
(I finally got the chance to see the last Hobbit – oh the eggcitement! And Thorin Oakenshield officially became my favourite character, no surprise that I will leave with his words then)
Thorin Oakenshield: If more people valued home above gold, this world would be a merrier place.
It would indeed.
I promise to try not to leave too long till my next post!!!
I saw the picture below and just had to add it – this is literally my life right now.